Failing the bar exam and living through it just to take it again...

Update

2010-07-21T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

Wow, I haven't checked this in a long time, and I apologize to those who have left comments that I didn't respond to. Lots has happened in my life, and all good things, so that is why I have been slack.

First and foremost- I passed that bar exam I was studying for :) It made me feel really good- It was a harder bar exam than most and I hadn't studied in a few years (if you recall my previous post) so I was pretty nervous. This time, I didn't use barbri and I loved my study aids. I used the http://www.thestudygroup.com/ CD for multi-state prep (yes i had to take that MBE AGAIN!) and www.baroutlines.com for state specific outlines. I spent maybe $300 total? And I thought these aids were much better than the barbri or PMBR. Study Group method worked for me because after each question, you are told the correct answer and why each one is right or wrong (something that PMBR and Barbri sometimes fail to do). The state specific outlines were condensed but somehow contained everything that was tested.

The day I found out I passed, I was on the phone with my mom and got the letter in the mail (since I am not originally from this state and didn't know anyone else taking the exam, I didn't know when the results would be posted online, so I ended up getting the letter before I ever checked). I just opened the letter without mentioning it to her, assuming the worst, and midway through conversation suddenly yelled, "OMG I passed the bar!!" It was pretty funny and felt AWESOME that I passed a hard exam.

Since then, I got married, moved, and became a mom. I work part-time and am overall liking life these days- and it's nice to read these posts and see how far I've come. I also have realized I am not crazy about the law, so it is kind of disheartening to remember how hard I worked and how bad I felt about something that in retrospect, maybe wasn't the career I will have forever. But I do feel like studying for the bar prepared me for MANY challenges in life that are far greater (even childbirth) and I will always feel good that I overcame the challenge a few times.

If you are just coming across this blog because you found out that you failed the bar, as it seems a few of you are- please know that it can work out in the long run! Do not lose hope! Study HARD- focus and know it is going to be super challenging but that you can pass. Do NOT let it define who you are. When I first failed, I thought my life was over and it was the ONLY thing I could think of- almost 5 years later, life is so different and better in ways that I could not have imagined then and yours will be too!

Good Luck to Feb bar takers!

2009-02-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to stop in and wish everyone taking the Feb 09 bar good luck! I am taking yet another exam and not looking forward to it. Though I have been studying, I still feel woefully unprepared. I haven't studied much of the state specific subjects and have instead been focusing on MBE stuff- which is a gamble I am not sure will pay off next week! If any of you guys have suggestions on how to cram for that last week, I'd love to hear them!

For those of you out there who are multiple re-takers- take heart! Remember this is not your whole life and not what defines you as a person. It's just a test. As someone who has always had trouble with the bar, the sad reality is that practicing law is just not that fun and not worth all this trouble! Some people battle with food addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction- we battle with bar exam addiction and the need to PASS- and then PASS again!

For people who asked if you needed to be barred to get job offers in NJ, I would say that is pretty much true in ANY state, unfortunately. Most places you need to be barred so that it doesn't look like you are practicing law without a license, and many firms won't hire JDs without licenses. Nowadays, with the bad economy, this is even more true. But no worries! If you do pass, you are pretty much guaranteed to find a job- it may not be one you like, or one that pays a lot, but you will. And you will move up from there!

GOOD LUCK! Stay calm, and be happy that in a week and a half, you won't have to study until at least May :)

Two Years, One Fiance, and Another Failed Bar Exam..

2008-12-15T21:35:00.001-08:00

So I am revisiting this blog and realizing that while I thought no one was reading it, turns out, people did- just a year or two later :). I am reading some comments and thought you deserved an update.

First, I did not pass NY the second time. I truly didn't care- at least I told myself that. Work had sucked me into a black hole so I did not have much time to dwell on it. Fast forward a couple years. I fall in love, get engaged, decide to take another bar just in case we want to relocate. I take CA. I fail again.

Today I signed up for ANOTHER bar in another state. You'd think I'd know better. But I know in my heart that I can pass-I just have to devote myself entirely to the process (as I am reminded by this blog) and REALLY want to pass- in order to do it. That and working, studying, and having a life are new challenges to overcome. But that is what life is all about. New challenges that we always have to overcome. So for those of you reading that failed- you will pass. Really. And then you will have to be ready to do it all over again in some other way.

Third time around...

2006-11-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

So the NY bar exam results come out on Tuesday, and I took it for the second time in July. I didn't really care one way or the other while I was taking it, and I still feel the same about it. It was damn hard. The essays were not so bad as the the dreaded MBE, which I think might have been the hardest one I've taken out of the last three. I don't think my brain could have handled more studying and I don't think I could have been better prepared so we'll just have to hope I passed. If I didn't, that's ok. I am admitted in one state and that is just fine with me. I already am an Esq. If I do pass, I hope I will get some kind of bonus at work, though I don't know that I will.

Working as an attorney now as opposed to being a law clerk is a lot harder and a lot longer hours. I used to think I'd take as many bar exams as possible but now I just don't think I have it in me, at least not right now. But I do think that I could pass it again- I just would have to set my mind to it and I will pass.

Also- two of my friends who failed in Feb. the first time passed this time around in NJ, so I am very happy for them. After they failed in Feb, they asked me what I did to pass and I sat with them and plotted their study schedule, and I like to think it helped ;) All I can emphasize is the MBE- really nothing is more important than that. But I don't know if that will help in NY. I'll let you know on Tues.

Reinventing the Wheel

2006-05-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

Postscript:

So, It's been a week and a half since I passed, and I am still relatively floating around on cloud 9. I got my chutzpah back, or something. I still have no job, but I don't care. I'll stand on the street being a homeless lawyer, representing all my brethren homeless people.

But the best thing to report is that I don't know any, not a single one, of repeat bar takers that failed again. Every person I know that failed the first time, passed the second time around. And I know quite a few people who failed. Pretty interesting, no? I don't know how that worked out, but every single person passed. I am so thrilled!

In other news, I am studying again. Since I failed two bar exams the first time around, I figured I'd give both another shot, just in different sittings to increase my chances of passing. The first time, this strategy worked, so I am hoping for lightning to strike twice.

Studying is overall a boring, monotonous and mundane thing, as I've said NUMEROUS times. But now that I am studying for the third time for the MBE, I have found an interesting (for incredibly anal, study nerds like me) thing. I just finished studying for the Feb. bar approximately 3 months ago. This is a good thing because a lot of the stuff is still fresh in my mind.

Now here is the weird thing: because I am incredibly anal, I wrote all my answers to the practice MBE questions on pieces of paper and kept them from the last time I studied. I just did my first set of questions, and compared them (because i am crazy) and I notice two things- 1) I am doing better than the last time I did these questions and 2) in an interesting brain study, out of the ones I got wrong (which are fewer this time) HALF of them I ALSO got wrong the last time. More succinctly, I am getting the some of the SAME questions wrong, despite having studied this stuff upside down and inside out the last time around and making note of the ones I got wrong last time so as not to get them wrong on the real test.

Weird, huh?

And....

2006-05-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

01032 2006 PASSED

I screamed. I jumped. I made my sister check it twice to make sure I read it right. The # below and above were either FAILED or HELD (what the hell does that mean???) so I had to double take to make sure mine was right.

I called my parents who also screamed. I called my friends. I screamed some more. I can't stop yelling, "I PASSED THE BAR!"

Then I went for a run, because ironically most of my friends are taking ICLE right now (the continunation of law school) and are in class. The first half of the run I felt like Rocky, running and conquering and the second half I cried the whole way. I just kept thinking about everyone who helped me along the way and I couldn't even see.

I just can't believe it. I think it is a dream. Pinch me.

Avoidance

2006-05-09T12:54:00.000-07:00

The results are up, but I can't bring myself to check them. Everytime I think I've convinced myself to do it, I don't have the actual courage to do it. I have talked myself up and then i back down. I don't know how on earth I even did it the first time.

Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh. I need to look up being paralyzed by fear.

Pass or No Pass?

2006-05-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

So, it's the night before the bar exam results come out again, and I'm watching Deal or No Deal to pass the time. Kind of an ironic choice, I think. Each choice represents more and more and more chance to either win big or lose a lot. But if you really think about Deal or No Deal- you've already won if you made it onto the show. You are going to leave with money in your pocket that you didn't have before you got there- by doing little more than the guts to be on National TV biting your nails, pacing back and forth, feeling the rushs and lows of winning and losing with each case.

As the day gets closer to finding out, I think I've lost some perspective and I get caught up in the passing and not passing. Already, I've lost once and I think irrationally that luck is against me. I forget all the hard work I put in to study, how close I came last time to passing, and how chances are that all my hard work finally paid off.

But I am reminded that I'm just like any contestant appearing on Deal or No Deal. Either way, I've already graduated from law school. I hold a Bachelor's and Doctorate level degree that no one can take away from me. Passing the bar and practicing law is the logical next step- but it is not necessarily the happiest road, the easiest road, or the most lucrative road there is for me to take with my educational background and experience. When I started law school, one of my Professors gave a speech on the first day saying that only approximately 3% of people even make it to a doctoral level or graduate program in this country. So already, I've won. I beat the odds. Neither of my parents have their doctorates. No one else in my immediate family ever did. I am a first generation American on my dad's side, and 3rd on my mom's side. Both my parents grew up pretty poor with no real chance for educational advancement and both worked hard to give my sister and I a chance at a better life. I live in Hoboken, NJ wondering which luxury apartment I can afford next year. I have a lot of debt, but I also have an IRA and a mutual fund that I started when I graduated from college.

I have a lot going for me.

So when I'm scrolling down the screen, wondering if i've passed or not, I guess I can say to myself, it doesn't really matter. I already am a happy person. I already accomplished my goal. Before I started law school all I wanted to do was clerk for a judge, and I'm doing it.
Passing is just icing on the cake.

Still, I hope that the stars align and I am ready.

Counting down to...

2006-04-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

Counting down to...

2006-04-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

This sucks.

I haven't posted for the last three weeks or so because I got a glimpse at a nice, stress free life. I started working out again and started trying to attend to all the things in my life I've neglected because of the bar. Unfortunately, any real progress I've made has been hindered by the undercurrent in the back of my head of bar exam waiting. Everything in my life is in total limbo- where I'm working next year, if I passed the bar, where I'm living etc... and its hard to plan and organize and take steps without knowing. I stopped sending out resumes because I felt like I'd be giving potential employers a reason to reject me just because it does not say "admitted" on my resume. I actually had a couple of interviews and I heard back from one place today, who said they were interested but wanted to know "have you been admitted yet? it doesn't say on your resume and we forgot to ask.... oh ok. well let us know as soon as you find out and also when you actually do get admitted. there is that whole background check they have to do also, but we have to know soon because we are moving forward with admitted candidates."

I also had to decide whether to sign up for a second bar exam this week. I kind of was all over the board on it. One day I decided that it was a good idea, the next I decided I didn't care, the next I didn't think I should because if I didn't pass the first one it would just be a waste of money, but then again if I do pass I might be flying so high that I will be pissed if I missed the chance just to sign up because I did not know about the first one. Everyone I asked also had various opinions on it that made me more confused. Some of my peers couldn't understand why I wouldn't take it, some of my non-peers but colleagues said that they didn't think I needed to take it (probably because they thought I'd fail again) I needed a final arbiter, so I finally asked the Judge, who told me I might as well sign up and this way I can take it if I really want. He decides things everyday, so I figured I might as well go with him on this.

Personally, I also kind of cleaned house these last couple of months with relationships that were not working for me. I finally felt free enough to take action, but some of the changes are kind of drastic and now as results day gets closer I wonder if it was smart to make that kind of decision. I think it was, but I am starting to get that dread again like I did in October/Nov. mainly because I now know how it feels to fail once, but I have no idea what it would be like the second time around. I seriously hope that doesn't happen.

I am writing this log mainly to keep my sanity and also because I hope one day to share it with other twenty something JD grads who are struggling to find their way after failing the bar and want to understand what it actually feels like and how people react to you when your worst professional fear comes true. But I do have a couple of friends who may not have been my friends before but now are who are in the same boat- and basically are going through the same thing in terms of job searching/relationships/bar stress, and I have to say, we feel its nicer to know that others are going through the same thing as well!

I am glad also that I signed up for the bar this summer, and actually after having sat through it twice, I don't really dread it or studying. I think the best time actually to retake it or take another bar is after doing it in Feb. and then July because the time between studying for the Feb. bar and studying for July is so short that you really aren't starting from scratch and so its more manageable to approach. You don't really forget much because it is just too recent- where as in winter studying for Feb, the material is already about 6 months old. I don't think I can offer too many tips other than that one- even though more people take it in July, if you just took it in February, its not that bad to think about studying.

I'm trying to approach it pragmatically- the bar exam isn't the end all be all, and its not insurmountable- you just have to see it as a finaly obstacle in becoming an attorney. I see attorneys every day in court- good ones and bad ones, but all of them have that same knowledge of being admitted and part of a club that must feel good after working so long and hard.. I really hope that they let me in soon :)

Depression

2006-03-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

So, things are at a standstill. Waiting for bar results the second time around is, I think, worse than the first, mainly because planning for the future is next to impossible. The first time around, everyone just assumes you will pass the bar, so they are more willing to talk to you about jobs etc. The second time around, every firm you apply to knows you did NOT pass the first time around and probably rejects you out of hand just for that reason.

I just wish I knew one way or the other, which bar exam I am going to take in July, if any. I won't find out until mid-May and either way you slice it, its tough to make plans knowing you will probably have to study AGAIN for the bar and your life will suck once again. I am thinking of postponing a second state until Februrary just because fewer people take it then, the weather sucks and it is much easier to study then, but that might foreclose some job prospects I might have otherwise. Of course, its not like I'd be admitted until November anyway, and then it won't matter if I took NY or not for whatever job I have then because I will have to have taken some job by then. The only thing I can really tell employers is that I took another bar another time.

Right now, I am leaning towards not taking it, because I am trying to enjoy life again and have a summer for the first time in three years that isn't marred by law school or studying. I really liked studying in February anyway- it was much easier to concentrate and I feel like my chances of passing will be better then. Plus nothing happens between Jan. and Feb. anyway. I just can't wait to find out what I am going to be doing- although nothing is even as appealing as it once was.

I guess that is what being idle does to you.... and until then I will just sit and wait and wait and wait some more.

The Wait

2006-03-13T19:49:00.000-08:00

This is I think the hardest part. The wait for the results. Right after the bar, you feel elated, happy that it is over, that you conquered something and completed a major hurdle. Yet now, as the days pass and real life resurfaces, it becomes harder to ignore a lot of facts.

First, I was elated and in a post-bar, must be active kind of mode, and I sent out a bunch of resumes. But now as I wait, I realize that because my resume does not a have an "Admitted, December 2005" portion, I am not getting perhaps as many calls as I'd hoped. The phone that I thought would be ringing off the hook remains silent.

The second reality is that of my debt. I have a lot of it, and pretty soon, I have to start paying it back. How on earth will I do that?

I know Rome wasn't built in a day, Nixon wasn't elected President the first time around, and I may not have passed the bar on the initial try, but as I wait to find out, and really, wait to move on with my life- I can't help but feel that anvil lowering back onto my shoulders- the one that landed as soon as I found out I failed and hovers, and descends, ever so slightly as we get closer and closer to the day.

I guess it also did not help that on the cover of the law journal today was an article about how 28% more people have failed the bar since 1995, and how much harder it usually is for people the second time around.

I often lose sight of how far I have come- that I have actually graduated from law school, and a pretty good one at that, and that I have a great clerkship and a amazing judge to learn from and a lot of options that maybe don't include the practice of law if things don't work out. But practice is my goal- and I know I can be good at it as long as I first pass that bar.

T-Minus 9 Weeks

2006-03-03T15:49:00.000-08:00

So I estimate that it will take about 10 weeks to find out the results of the bar, and after this week, I have about 9 left. It was strange to not have to study this week. I'd come home each day thinking I still had SOOO Much to do, because I did have work, errands, chores, a job interview etc.. that I needed to get done, but really, I did not have anything to do that took as much time as studying did. Last night I even took a two hour bath and read, Marley and Me, which is my first book post bar study. (It's very good) I am starting to remember what it's like to be a human again.

Everyone keeps asking me how I think I did this time. I find this to be an odd question- how exactly do I think I did? I mean, I felt more prepared. I felt like I executed the test better than I did the first time. Does this mean I passed? Who the f--k knows. I certainly hope so.

I enter this phase with guarded optimism. Really, there is no optimism because I know I have to do it again either way- if I don't pass I will probably take it again, and if I do pass, I'll probably take another state since I will just have recently studied for the Feb. Test. That is the advantage of taking it in Feb- picking up an extra state in July is not as daunting because everything is slightly fresh. But many more people take it in July- so who really knows how you will do. But by that time, I'll have sat for 3 total bar exams, 2 MBE's, and 1 MPT, so I will be semi-seasoned.

I also had my first job interview, and the interviewer did not ask about the bar at all, even though he knew ahead of time what my status was- but I was ready to confront it, just like I did the bar exam. I am planning on acting as if I passed and confronting what happens later on if I don't.

It's over

2006-02-24T17:55:00.000-08:00

So the bar exam is over for the second time.

It feels different to be done this time. When the exams were over, I was not really happy, not really sad, not really anything. Indifferent, really. Someone told me that taking it this time around would be just like another day at the office after studying all that time, which it sort of was. The last week had its ups and downs. I was very nervous up to the last weekend, and then I hit a plateau and realized I just needed to get as much done as possible.

The day before I studied, then went to see a movie, and then went to bed super early. I knew if I could get enough sleep, I'd be in good shape, which I was. I wasn't really nervous, because I did know what to expect and a lot of that inner anxiety went away. I was more nervous that I would not execute the exam the way that I wanted to, and so I just tried to stay as focused as possible throughout the whole thing. I felt better- it was still hard, but I felt much more prepared to take it this time, and I felt like I have a better shot at doing better.

The second day I was more nervous, but calmed down once the test started. The last essay before the lunch break was really tough, and it kind of threw me for a loop, but I knew I had figured out the right subject and hit a couple of points. I braced myself for the afternoon, thinking it was going to be harder, and it was hard, but it wasn't as bad as that last essay in the morning.

It was kind of embarrassing to see people I knew at the test and tell people I hadn't passed, but when I realized that a lot of people hadn't also, it wasn't so bad. I just put it behind me and started fresh with this test, which I felt better about. The failing still stayed with me, made me more mad, anxious and bitter about studying, but also made me study harder and try to do my very best. And I think I did.

And now, I wait. Two and a half months. I think this by far will be the worst, and I think that the checking of the results will be harder than taking the exam.

Celebrating my last weekend of study

2006-02-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

Well, this is it. The last Saturday night I'll be home, cozied up with my hot dates, BarBri and PMBR. It's been a good run, but they know their time is ending.

I haven't posted much in the last two weeks because, well, i've obviously been studying. Studying is not so fun, but it has to be done. I'm at the point now where I'm finally finishing my last subject substantively, and then I have two or so days to just practice essays and maybe drill some more. Maybe do some more multiple choice questions. I kind of feel like I can't possibly do more, and then I start doing more again, but this time around I think I am legitimately going to stop studying the day before.

I've had many thoughts, too many to type now, about the last weeks, but in short- I've had a couple of panic attacks, two sleepless nights, been really mean to people, and now I'm finally settling in for the big days. I realize now that really it will just come down to how I do on the actual test days, and whether I can execute all my preparation. I've now spent 4 1/2 months in total studying this stuff, and there is really nothing left for me to do, but take the exam and this time, PASS.

ok, back to the books.

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

2006-02-11T10:01:00.000-08:00

a. Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress (IIED)
i. Need outrageous conduct and as result severe distress by P (but not physical—can just be mental).
ii. Elements- need (1) outrageous conduct and (2) severe distress
1. Outrageous Conduct
a. The goal or purpose is to upset plaintiff—the focus is on what the means are to upset someone. So can use non-outrageous conduct to upset. Method employed matters.
i. Can be intentional or reckless conduct.[1]
b. Conduct is outrageous if it “exceeds all bounds of decency tolerated in a civilized society”—put in essay.
c. *NY- courts very reluctant to enforce this.
d. Mere insults- not outrageous by legal consensus.
e. No complete catalogue but plus factors (hallmarks) exist (not exhaustive):
i. Continuous or repetitive conduct—course of conduct.-if Visa called once in middle of night and cursed out once, not IIED, but if every night, then yes.
ii. D is common carrier or Innkeeper[2]- Duty to be very nice to guests/passengers historically so if act even a little mean its IIEDà if they sent up rat under plate instead of lunch, that is IIED because supposed to be nice
iii. Plaintiff is member of fragile class of persons-if came up to person on street and cursed out, would not be IIED—but if cursed out little 5-year old child, that would be outrageous. Elderly-if went up to woman on street and cursed out, that would be IIED. Pregnant woman- IIED but must know pregnant—cannot be 2 months pregnant.
1. Extreme Sensitivity- Putting rubber snake on co-workers chair- though terrible if has heart attack and EMT comes, that is an extreme sensitivity. Not outrageous unless knew about phobiaàif aim for psychological Achilles’ Heel, then it’s IIED—but major outrageous conduct is still essential here; having feelings hurt is not enough.[3]
2. Example of Superstitious Farmer with Hex-if got farmer to sell farm by putting Hex on it and that causes emotional distress, that is IIED.

2. Need Severe or Extreme Distress-no specific requirement; does not need physical symptoms; mild or momentary distress is not enough; cannot be just hurt feelings.
a. Emotional Distress could include - fright, horror, grief, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, anger, chagrin, disappointment, worry, and nausea.
b. Does not need to be objective-it is subjective standard for how upset get—not “reasonable person’s distress” but “distress of ______”
c. If knew of weakness, will get bumped up to outrageous.
d. Liability to a Third Person (family)- actor is subject to liability if he intentionally or recklessly causes severe emotional distress to a member of person’s immediate family who is present at the time—but if family member only later learns of outrageous conduct, that is inadequate.
i. If not a close family member, then P must suffer physical harm as where woman had a miscarriage due to seeing neighborhood kid get thrown into air by speeding car[4] or where man had heart attack because of stupid practical joke (tortious assault) with ax in sporting goods store.

[1] PMBR-Criminal Complaint Example- if PMBR were to file a criminal complaint against a student for entering lecture without paying and student is arrested despite fact that sent entire fee into PMBR immediately, then PMBR may be liable for IIED if it made no effort to inform the prosecutor that the registration fee had been paid in fullàthis could rise to outrageous conduct, even though not intentional (which is rare) because there is a high degree that the mental distress will follow (though not certain)àPMBR was reckless in its deliberate disregard by failing to notify police that criminal matter had been resolved.
[2] Common carrier is any transportation company; innkeeper is any lodging place
[3] Hurting feelings not enough for IIED- even where Dickie Mulehorse Nixon really loved Whittier College football, this extreme sensitivity is not enough to get to IIED if just say something like “you should transfer”—the conduct must be majorly outrageous.
[4] Issue there was whether a person could recover damages for harm resulting from shock caused solely by another’s peril or injury.

T Minus 2 Weeks

2006-02-09T17:15:00.000-08:00

I am dying. I am not working so I am less tired, but I am mentally dying. The monotony of doing problems over and over again, coupled with the lack of social interaction, might kill me. I am depressed. I am pissed off. I feel alone, isolated, miserable. I don't know if its even worth it. I just want a life back. I want to get my hair cut. I want to paint my nails. I want to dust my room. I want to do anything but study.

Some people have been SO supportive, and some that I thought would be the most supportive are not. That is what I think hurts me the most- when your two best friends just up and disappear when the going gets rough, it kind of makes you question why you think of them as your best friends.

Studying at the law school has been pretty miserable. Most people there are awkward and ask, "so why are you here on the middle of a work day?" and you have to say, "oh i am studying for the bar, I just missed it by a couple points..." and put on the smile, as if nothing is really all that bad when really you know they know you failed and are just making you feel worse for having to retell it. One of my professors was like, "didn't you graduate?" and I wanted to say, "Yes, asshole, but I failed the bar. Thanks for being too stupid to realize that." But I guess it could be a complement in that no one thinks that I could have possibly failed? In any case, while its nice and quiet, there are still a ton of people I don't want to see there and pretty much none that I do, so I'd rather keep a low profile.

But I really am trying to stay positive. I thought I would die today doing the Barbri Contracts Advanced questions, but I didn't, though I think now I will switch to essays and outline reading for the rest of the night. I did better on the Barbri practice test than I did the last time around and I hadn't gone over two subjects so that is good. I feel positive overall, but studying sometimes makes me feel like I am treading water just to keep from drowning, but with no guarantee that I won't still eventually drown...

Misery. Sheer, utter, complete misery. I feel like my brain is being pulled into "A Million Little Pieces"- except my memoir would say:

study.
eat.
study.
eat.
study.
study.
misery.
HATE.
MISERY.
sleep.
study.
eat.
repeat.
repeat.
repeat.

Judges

2006-02-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

The Judges also have been so understanding and supportive throughout this process, which is not something I expected since Judges can sometimes be intimidating, not understanding, and just too busy to think about things. My Judge has been great- he hasn't dwelled on the test though I know its in the back of his mind and when he does talk about it he always says, "you'll have no problems the next time around". Another Judge in our courthouse told me he keeps me in his prayers as he swims his daily laps on the list of people he runs through his head to pray for and pass the time. Another Judge told me he got a D in Con-Law during law school, which made me feel much much better.

I think a huge fear that people have about failing the bar is that no one will understand, when the inverse is true, EVERYONE understands and no one really seems to think less of you- or at least they don't let you know if they do!

Monotony

2006-02-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

So I am done with work until the bar, and enter the world of monotonous study. Work was a nice diversion to studying, and now all I get to do is study. Although, since I've only done multiple choice problems up until this point, I think that I can start incorporating some essays and other "different forms of study" so that I don't kill myself, and I suppose its a nice break to not be at work even if I do have to study. I do love being a clerk, but sometimes its just emotionally draining to see the stuff we see, and it will be nice to take a break.

In terms of progress in studying, I think I am doing pretty well. I do all the Barbri questions, fuck them up, and then blow through the PMBR questions and feel pretty good about them. I am starting to see just multiples of every kind of question, which is good. Its no less boring.

Tonight I have decided to have dinner with a group of my friends, even though I probably should study, I figure since I literally have not attended one social gathering since New Years, its not a bad idea for sanity purposes. I also found out two of my friends are going to meet me after the first night of the bar just to have dinner with me, I think to keep me calm and relaxed.

I really do have good friends- so far I've gotten care packages, dinner, books, flowers, food, study graphs, flash cards, more books and study materials than I could possibly need. People have really stood by me through this whole ordeal, even after they stood by me through the first try. It's really comforting to know that you have friends and family who are there no matter what you do- and I sincerely hope that I am just as good of a friend.

Guilt

2006-01-31T20:07:00.000-08:00

I have tremendous guilt leaving work for almost three weeks, and it compounds as each day brings me more tasks at work. I know things will go on without me, but I get nervous at the thought of not being there.

I think I will be more upset if I didn't take time off and then don't pass again.

Doctrine of Waste

2006-01-31T20:04:00.000-08:00

So as I study interminably, well, not quite interminably, but as I plug on and on, I wonder a couple of things:

1) is it possible that I am studying too much, even for the second time around?

2) if the answer to #1 is 'yes', then is that going to be overkill and burn me out when the exam actually comes?

I don't think so, because I am taking off of work starting next week, and I could use a vacation from work anyway, so I think once work is not taking up so much of my energy, I will feel a lot less stressed about studying. But because I have been so steady at the studying, I don't feel so super stressed, more just like I hope it all gets done in the next three or so weeks.

Tired

2006-01-30T18:53:00.000-08:00

So, its basically T-minus 3 weeks and change until the bar. That to me is no time at all, but then when I hear dates it seems like forever away. I am still tired- I feel like I am crawling at a snail's pace to cover 7 subjects that last summer did NOT take me half the time to cover. I know I am making progress, I just hope to cement everything in time.

Plus, I HAVE TO PASS THIS TIME. I just have to. That's it. I am tired of the embarrassment of not having passed, of not being certified, of having to wait to look for jobs because I didn't pass. Its bleak, and its scary as hell. My roommate got an offer today at our friend's firm, which is great and wonderful for her. I just feel sad that I am so far behind in the job process.

I know I need to stay positive and stay focused. I just do. Things are not so bad. I just need to crack down on myself and keep myself in line with what I want to accomplish and not freak out.

I just hope I remember what I've studied. I think I will, but I just don't know.

I also have TREMENDOUS guilt for leaving work for three weeks to take the test, but it has to be done. I just don't have the luxury to not do it.

I will pass and I will be fine.

I think starting tomorrow I am going to start sticking notecards around my room with various tips and elements of things. I think that makes good sense :)

It is what it is

2006-01-27T15:21:00.000-08:00

I know the judge says, "It is what it is" when things go wrong, and I know my life could be a lot worse than it is even now, when its at its bleakest, but it sure feels like its the worst it could be.

Trouble

2006-01-27T15:20:00.000-08:00

And I am having trouble with Con Law, which isn't helping my progress- then again perhaps its because I've been distracted all week with this stuff.

Worst Week Ever

2006-01-27T15:09:00.000-08:00

I know somewhere there is a TV show, "Best Week Ever", well this goes down as the "Worst Week Ever" for me.
Some lowlights:

1) got into a fight with my best friend
2) got into a fight with my ex
3) unwittingly bounced 3 checks by clicking the wrong account when trying to transfer money into my checking account.
4) Sprint messed up my phone bill and tried to take money before its actually due.
5) Got a parking ticket even though I was legally parked.

So pretty much everything that could go wrong in my meaningless, boring, study filled life did. The fact that the bar is in less than a month is not helping matters either.

My life stands in a torrent of disarray:
1) I am not certified in NJ
2) I have no job and no prospects
3) I have loan payments to make and I make less than a slave wage when you deduct all of those payments

I am screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed.

Nerves

2006-01-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, today I am nervous. Probably because its about a month away from the test, and while I have felt pretty good studying so far, I have that little voice in the back of my head that kind of freaks me out that says- what if I don't pass?

February bar passage rates are statistically lower than July (i know because I just checked this out on the NCBEX website) and the passage rate for repeat takers is MUCH lower. Now just from talking to other people, I know this is because most of the people who retake the bar don't have enough time to study again, or just don't study, and that is why they don't pass. I like to think of myself as the "cream of the failed crop" someone who should have passed last time and didn't, and thus should be at the top of the heap in non-illustrious group of failures. But what if i'm not? What if people like me are the ones that always fall just shy and never quite reach the pass rate? What if that is me? I just spent some time trying to calculate the actual percentage rate of unscaled passers, and I think I am scoring right on that range and mostly above, but what if i'm not?

Besides being nervous about the bar, I'm nervous about finding a job. Studying has made me put off job seeking, and I hope that there will be jobs for me once I emerge from the study bar bubble. I keep saying that it won't matter if I don't pass the bar anyway, so studying should be my first priority, but its not all that easy.

Plus, in terms of taking time off, I am going to take about 3 weeks, but the third week is mainly reserved for the actual test, so its just two full weeks of studying and I am hoping that is enough. It should be, it was for my friend who did the same last year, but it still just makes me nervous.

Maybe all of these things are true, or maybe i've just had too much coffee today....

Just Say No

2006-01-15T10:08:00.000-08:00

Studying for the bar for the second time around, really requires two main things:

1) the ability to focus and concentrate very hard while still being able to keep your mind open to figuring out why you didn't pass the first time.

2) the ability to say no to everyone, including your family, friends, and work, in order to have enough time in which to complete #1.

The first thing is harder than it seems, I think, because most budding lawyers are argumentative by nature who dig in their heels and stand their ground when they have an argument to make. Sometimes this is a character trait that hurts people like me in academic endeavors like the bar exam, because I was so focused on what I thought the RIGHT way to study was, I wasn't really studying the RIGHT way for me. I couldn't have thought, last summer, that the way I was approaching this task was wrong because I almost felt a competition with other bar exam takers in proving, "well my way will be the right way" . Now that I know the way I studied was actually not the right way, this was a pretty dumb, but reflexive response to the task at hand.

2) Now that I know the above, I have dedicated myself to reprogramming the way I approach this test and I hope to have done the best job, but I keep trying to remind myself not to get too locked into a path of studying so as not to make the same mistake again. But the point is that in order to do this, I have to say no to everyone I know, in order to get the job done. This is harder and easier than task number one, because my reflexive response is to say that I have time for it all, and my reprogrammed response is, "No, stop calling me. Mom, sorry I haven't talked to you in weeks. No Judge, I can't take less time off to work on that motion. No, I can't be in your wedding or go to that reunion."

Hopefully, sticking to both prongs of the plan will keep me in the PASS range!

Study Fiending

2006-01-15T10:00:00.000-08:00

So it has been a few days since I wrote- because now I am studying all the time. Studying is tough to do when you are working, but work actually becomes a nice "study break" if you catch my drift. So far I've conquered Evidence and am almost done with Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure. I have to say, I really like the Barbri MBE questions because their answers really do work for me and help me learn the material before I move onto the PMBR questions. I've also started doing the PMBR questions in 20 block segments which also helps me because it makes it less mundane and helps keep me learning so I don't forget or keep messing up the same things in 10 questions.

I really don't mind studying. It:

A) saves me money because I don't have any and otherwise would be out spending money I don't have
B) gives me something mentally challenging to do so it's good for keeping my brain active
C) gives me a tangible goal to accomplish
D) helps keep me on a schedule.

Also, I am not working out all the time or anything like I did the first time, and I think that helps keep me focused on the task I have now. I think that working out is important if you have no other reason to take a break- but if you are working all day, working out is not a luxury you can afford to take because you've already had your "break". I just cut back on calories and eat really healthy and I think I'm actually losing weight. I also make sure I eat real meals and then not snack mainly because it wastes time, and that helps me keep my weight under control also.

And I make sure to get enough sleep, or take power naps if I don't, and that is REALLY important.

Alright, enough break, more work!

Damn

2006-01-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

Today I worked for my first full day while studying at night. I also got a little done during the day, but I think its going to take some getting used to studying whilst working. That's ok, though. I'll get it done.

Studying is actually kind of a comforting routine to visit for a brief respite. It reminds me of being in law school, being tired, always thinking I could be doing something to better my future instead of doing fun things, dreaming of the future without really taking too many steps toward it that required any creativity or initiative of my own. It was nice to be in that bubble, and now that I am in the real world, I have to answer all these scary questions again that I went to law school in an effort to "figure out" (read avoid).

At least studying gives me a concrete task to feel good about accomplishing . Even if I am tired as all hell at the end of the day.

Happy New Year?

2005-12-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

So the Christmas whirlwind week is over, and then there will be New Years, and then NOTHING BUT BAR STUDYING. Seriously though, I allowed myself to have fun or at least attend to all the events and present buying and gift returning I wanted, because I know from my previous experience that once the hardcore studying sets in, its going to be all intensive.

This week at work, the week between Christmas and New Years, however, I forced myself to go in because no one else was around and I sat down and studied every day all day. As I am embark on this mission the second time around, I am starting to realize the positives about why this time will be easier and not harder.

1) Before I started studying, I devised a plan of attack. I did NOT do this the first time around, and I think it contributed to my failing. I decided that this time, I am going to go subject by subject and just do blocks of questions at a time. After each block, I go through each question and write in a footnote or a comment in my original Bar outlines about why I got that question wrong. So for example, if I get an evidence question on Past Recollection Recorded wrong, I go to the Past Recollection Recorded section of my notes and write down why I got it wrong, as well as memorize the elements of Past Recollection Recorded and handwrite them out a couple of times. I also make sure I keep a running legal pad of all the topics of questions I get wrong, so that I can easily run through them and remember what I need to remember. Really, its just a lot more repetition in a more organized and efficient way. I am also going through the CORRECT answers really carefully, which they told me to do the first time and I did not, for lack of time. I usually would just read the answers that I got wrong the most carefully and assume that I knew why I got an answer right just because I got it right. This time, I realize that often times I get an answer right for the wrong reason (This also is helping me realize why I am getting them down to the best two answers and keep picking the wrong one)
Finally, those Barbri MBE questions really are damn good. I start with Intro level, then move to Intermediate and Advanced. Their answers really are complete and the different levels of questions help you test the harder nuances of concepts after you master first the basic questions. Now that I have done all of the questions in Evidence in the Barbri Book, I am moving back to the PMBR questions in the Redbook for practice, and they are going much easier and I am seeing a lot of the same topics I saw in the Barbri book.

2) Its a lot easier to go into the test knowing exactly what I am going to face, and accepting that I did things wrong the first time. In retrospect, it really was a bad idea to take the MBE portion in the second state and not the first, because I was exhausted from traveling the night before (while all my friends stayed in the first state and took the MBE there also) Now the MBE will be my first day, so I can go into it guns blazing.

3) Instead of just going on what people tell me is the best way to study, I really am figuring out the best way for myself after knowing what did NOT work the first time.

4) I think working will actually help me focus more on the time that I do have available to study and help me concentrate on what I need to get done in the time I have to do it.

5) I am a poor poor law clerk and have no money to have any fun in the next two months anyway.

6) I REALLY WANT TO PASS THIS TIME SO I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.

I also read Rick Pitino's book, Success is a Choice, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0767901320/104-6490522-9644734?v=glance&n=283155

and it is really good. The thing I took the most from it is that you have to live each day only in the present moment. For example, you can be thinking about tomorrow's big game, or yesterday's loss, you have to think about how well you can practice TODAY. I think studying for the bar is the same thing- you could dwell on failing, or you could freak out about what is in front of you, but really, you should just see how much you can get done each day preparing for the test. I guess this is a basic coaching tenet, but I like it. I highly recommend the book to alleviate anxiety.

With that, I am getting back to my studying and then watching a movie- I remember down time is just as important as study time.

I hope next year is more successful for bar passing :) and that I get sworn in 2006.

Holiday Jeer

2005-12-20T10:10:00.000-08:00

So the holidays are here and that means two things: the busy Christmas season, fun parties, and the knowledge that right after, serious bar studying sets in. This is more glum than usual for many reasons. I am too busy with Christmas things to actually study this week, and I'd rather be studying than not, but can't, so its bothering me subconsciously that I even have to go through this rigamarole. Second, I can't enjoy the holiday cheer because I have to face this test again.

I started studying about two weeks ago and got a good start. I figured out my study schedule, wrote it all out, decided exactly what it was that I did wrong when I studied the last time, and changed my format of studying to make it better this time around. I realized that last time I was not efficient- I changed subjects each day, I didn't really focus on the answers of the multiple choices and I didn't read the correct ones and I didn't read the ones I got wrong closely enough at all. Now I know I must be dedicated, focused, AND meticulous, because I wasn't meticulous the last time around. So I have a plan, I just hope that I can stick to it. The holiday season isn't helping.

The other thing that isn't helping is that the Judge I work for is hearing a high profile case while I'm studying for the bar. The motions started this week, and while I am studying we have two busy weeks of regular stuff and then the jury selection for that trial, which should last up until the actual bar. I know that I have to study, but I also don't want to miss certain things, and I was hoping to study a lot during work, so we'll see how that actually plays out. It is just scary that this time around I have to work while studying, but I also have less to "learn" and more to "refine" so it might just even out.

Finally, its tough to hear my friends who have passed the bar talk about what happens- getting your swearing in cards, etc. My roommate is the least sensitive about it- she has no concept about how I feel that she passed and I didn't, and kind of acts superior to me because of it. That really ticks me off. She makes comments about other people that failed like, "i don't know, i thought they were smart" etc.. as if to say, "lauren, you're pretty dumb to have failed" and i know she really does think that in her brain. She is self-involved generally, so she probably has no idea I feel this way anyway.

Then I also feel like I have to put my personal life on hold because of the bar, and while that is a short time, I still feel like things are eating at me, nagging, waiting for me to make decisions and moves on. Should I continue to apply for jobs? What jobs should I apply to? What do I want to do with my career? Do I still want to live in my town? Do I still want to live in my state? Since I have to study, I know I have to put all of that out of my mind for the next few months.

Oh well. At least the Christmas business will end after this weekend.

Two interesting articles this week

2005-12-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

This first one is about Kathleen Sullivan, former Dean of Stanford Law School, who recently moved to a private firm in CA and had to sit for the CA bar in July to be admitted. A noted Constitutional Law scholar, the legal world was shocked when she failed the bar exam... I think my favorite quote was this:

> But it's unusual for the exam to claim a top-notch constitutional lawyer
>at the peak of her game. "She is a rock star," says William Urquhart, who
>last year recruited Ms. Sullivan to join his firm, Quinn Emanuel Urquhart
>Oliver & Hedges LLP. "Practically every lawyer in the U.S. knows who
>Kathleen Sullivan is." If anyone should have passed, Mr. Urquhart says, it
>is Ms. Sullivan. "The problem is not with Kathleen Sullivan, it is with the
>person who drafted the exam or the person who graded it."

Interesting. I sympathsize with her, because it sucks to fail a bar exam, but it sucks even worse if you fail and it makes the WSJ. My Judge said, though, that she should have known her failure would be big news and probably should have prepared to make sure it didn't happen.

The other article is about the litigation with Barbri, which is also interesting. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/04/business/yourmoney/04law.html?adxnnl=1&emc=eta1&adxnnlx=1133909777-aMp+5ihPJBITUk8e2XU6Og

I like Barbri- at least in terms of the materials you get, not the instruction, but I wonder how much better they'd have to be if they actually had competition....

It starts

2005-12-04T05:57:00.000-08:00

Studying is meticulous and I was not the last time I prepared for this exam. I'm a big picture person and I often see the forest and not the trees. I had a friend of mine show me his method of studying and how he did so well on his MBE, and basically it was just dilligence and meticulousness. Upon reflection, my way of studying was so haphazard and inefficient, its no wonder I missed my mark by a few questions. Those extra fine points and details made all the difference I bet.

My problem as an attorney is that I am not careful. I am too laid back and not detailed enough and the law really and truly is about the fine print. But luckily, this is rectifiable and now I feel as though I can master this exam. The next two months, though, are going to suck.

Jealousy rears her ugly head

2005-11-30T14:37:00.000-08:00

Today is the saddest I have felt since failing. I have been ok, I think overall, but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just did not feel right all day. It doesn't help that my roommate didn't do the dishes (again) last night, I got an invite to the swearing in ceremony at my law school, I found out Sallie Mae still hasn't deferred my loans, I almost got into an accident this morning and then traffic was terrible and i didn't get a parking spot, the judge was in a weird mood all day, and I listened to incredibly depressing cases all day long. Oh and I started studying today.

Tomorrow is the swearing in and it makes me sad that I can't get sworn in yet. I worked just as hard as everyone else, I really and truly did, and I can't get recognized for that effort. Instead I'm being pitied by all sorts of people who "can't believe its me" that failed and I have to face the hurdle that I have to take and pass this test again. It shakes my confidence because it makes me think that others think I'm not that smart because I couldn't pass. I've never not passed anything in my life. I've never really and truly failed a class. I've always relied on my successes in the school and my career to be the focus of my life and now I don't have that. I'm single, which normally doesn't bother me, but I don't have anyone to share this experience with me. I don't have kids to distract me, or other problems to deal with besides my own pathetic 27 year old self. When I graduated from law school, I told myself, well at least I have my law degree, and at least I'll pass the bar. And now I haven't passed the bar, I have no job after this year, and no real prospects.

And I feel guilty for feeling jealous and wanting all that stuff.

Even my hairdresser knows I failed the bar

2005-11-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

I go to get my haircut today, and my hairdresser, who is my age and knows a lot of the same people I know from our town and the surrounding area, immediately asks me, "So, how'd it go?" Dumbfounded over what this ancillary person in my life, who I hadn't seen since August, could possibly be asking me, I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. "Huh?" "The bar? You got your results back right? One of my clients said that all the rest of my law student clients got their results back." When I told her I didn't pass, she was pretty dumbfounded but did the whole, "Oh, tons of people take it 3 or 4 times."

I wonder what people say to the people who are on their 4th time say? I guess those people who aren't smart enough to pass are smart enough not to tell people they are taking it!

One final note- I came home on Wed. before Thanksgiving to flowers at my door from my old college roommate that said, "Someone had to throw the curve in February! You'll get them next time." And I sincerely appreciated it :)

More later- I am enjoying my final nights before plunging back into the world of the MBE again.

No good deed goes punished

2005-11-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I sent one of my friends flowers- someone who helped me a lot while studying for the bar and who was there for me through the ups/downs and madness of bar studying. This person even called me every morning and night of the bar to keep me calm and make sure I did not oversleep. So two days before the results came out, I ordered thank you flowers hoping they would be coincide with good news.

Well, that didn't work out. But today I came home to flowers in front of my door from a different friend- my old roommate- for not passing. And I got some last weekend from a different friend. Is there a pay it forward for flowers? I rest my case.

I'm pretty sure no one is reading this blog...

2005-11-21T16:47:00.000-08:00

But that is ok. This mainly helps me with coping, which is the most important thing right now.

Before I got my results, I started running- I'd never before run in my life. I was/am training for a race in April, and I hope to eventually get there. It just that the wind seems to be taken from my sails. I had a stomachache last night and stayed home from work today. I had a date tonight, which I canceled because I just didn't feel mentally up for it and I didn't want the person to meet me for the first time in such a sub-par state. Even my friends don't really want to hear me complain, because really there is nothing to say. I mostly wander around aimlessly, trying to think of a plan of action for the future. The worst part is that I have to once again put my life on hold for two months, but if I don't, I won't have much of a life in the future anyway.

I'm being dramatic. Maybe its hormonal? At least I am keeping busy with tasks and books etc... I'll get it together.

The Anger Stage

2005-11-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

When a person experiences a significant loss or tragedy of some kind in their life, they typically will go through the various stages of loss. This website, http://www.lifeworktransitions.com/exercises/stgesloss.html
posts an article entitled "When Smart People Fail, Rebuilding Yourself for Success" and lists the stages as follows:

1. Shock
2. Fear
3. Anger and blame
4. Shame
5. Despair

Now, I think I should be able to apply these stages to my current situation, since I consider myself to be a smart person who failed. But really, I think for those of us unfortunate souls who fail the bar examination, or maybe the med school boards, this must be slightly altered. I, for example, went through the shock and fear stages almost simultaenously- well first shock and then a little bit of fear, all in the night I found out the results. Actually, I don't think shock is quite accurate because I think most people who sit for the bar kind of expect, even a little portion of themselves expect, that they might fail, even if they are confident after they leave the exam. Plus, you experience I think most of the fear stage in the weeks leading up to receiving the results. But even though I prepared myself to fail- not because I thought I didn't study enough, but because I knew I was bad at taking law school tests- It still shocked me to see FAILED next to my anonymous candidate number.

After that shock, I went through the "What am I going to do now?" phase, even though I am clerking and have a job for at least a year, I still freaked out about what my career would look like after the clerkship ended. I think I might have thought for a little while that I should never practice law and that it wasn't for me since I couldn't pass the test.

I guess now I'm in the "Anger and blame" stage, though I think I am just angry at myself, but I can't quite figure out why, and I am angry that this happened to me. I have no one to blame really. Nothing happened during studying or the test itself for me to say, "This is really why I failed, not because I did anything." I had perfect testing conditions, well almost perfect.

I am quite angry today. We'll see how the next stages progress. I'll keep you posted.

Taking Pride in Failing

2005-11-18T12:56:00.000-08:00

Overall, since I got the news, I've been pretty o.k. with failing the bar. I think I posted this earlier, but I wanted to be proud of how I handled the failing since I couldn't (yet) be proud of passing, and it has helped thus far to have that mindset.

Ironically, I found out yesterday that one of my best friends emailed my other best friend to talk about how "even keeled" I've been with the whole situation. She thinks I'm taking it "too well" and that is making her worry even more about me. My other good friend (who passed) told me she couldn't believe how poised and stoic I've been, and if it had been her she would not have made it. And I've heard of other friends, who failed this time around who won't even speak to their significant others, let alone friends, because they are so miserable.

I have been so proud of myself in viewing this as an obstacle and not a failure. But today, I finally felt the sadness when I saw the list of names posted on both states and figured out that many of the people I graduated with passed. It also hurt to figure out that I missed it by such a small margin. I know now what I have to do to pass -improve my MBE score- but a little piece of me regrets that I couldn't do it the first time around like everyone else. And everyone else getting sworn in by their judges or at the swearing in ceremonies and not me.

I know, poor me. But at least my two best friends finally got a little tear out of me....

Failing Again

2005-11-17T09:19:00.000-08:00

So I did not pass the NY exam either. Not unexpected and I am glad now to be done with the waiting more than I am upset that the results were not good.

The Judge already told me he thinks he located a tutor for me and said I could study as much as I need to here at work. The Sarge brought me in a Hershey's and a KitKat Bar. Things are looking up :)

I am wondering if anyone out there has definite feedback or info on good tutors for the bar, or the best programs etc. I just don't think BarBri cuts the mustard or PMBR either, for that matter. I have to figure out what my problem was, but I think I also need more personalized instruction.

I am feeling good today, and thinking I will one day pass- even if it takes a loong, loong time. Now I have to go to lunch and celebrate with all the people that did pass :)

T-Minus 19

2005-11-17T05:41:00.000-08:00

The NY Bar Exam results will be posted in about 19 minutes. This is odd, I think, because the NJ results were posted the day before they were "supposed" to be up, but such are the doings of evil bar examiners.

Anyway, last night the judicial reception was fun, mostly because we didn't really talk to anyone but each other and drink a lot, so it was a good time. One fellow clerk who obviously heard about my predicament gave me the "Heeeeeyyyy" in the "I know you didn't pass the bar and I did but I want you to know I feel for you and can't believe this happened to you" kind of way. I acted as if I had no idea what she was trying to convey and just asked if she liked the food. My Judge was nice, but mostly hung out with other attorneys, I think in an effort to keep them occupied enough to not ask me about the Bar.

I have been thinking, and this is going to seem really self-aggrandizing, but I need something to get me through the days. I think of the people I know who failed, we all are the best kinds of people to fail because we all took it really well, can handle it, and decide how to proceed from there. Many of my friends who passed are the kinds of people who would throw themselves into weeklong benders, scream obscenities at their fellow office mates and other attorneys who passed, and find other ways to have people think "Poor you." I guess that saying is right, God only gives you what you can handle, and for me, I have to say I am proud of the way I handled failure even if I can't be proud of passing.

The Day After Yesterday

2005-11-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

So I failed the bar. Well, actually I failed one bar exam and am waiting for another one to come in, but I live and work in the state that I failed in already, so this one counted the most. I googled around looking for support from likeminded bar failures like myself, but didn't find much, so I thought I would create a blog for others who have failed the bar, or fear failing the bar, or fear failing the bar a second time (like me).

Actually, my first thought is that waiting for bar results is much worse than actually failing, or "not passing" as I like to call it. The waiting is awful once you know what day the results are going to be posted, or have an "approximate day" of posting, which is the most evil trick the bar examiners could ever pull. You think you know, but you have no idea when they are actually going to post in certain states, so people incessantly check for days up to the "drop dead" date waiting to be overcome with emotion everytime they refresh the site.

When I checked, I honestly was shocked. I double and triple checked the number to make sure it was right. I still kind of hold out hope that when I get my mailed score, its wrong and that I actually passed :) but I know I am just in the denial stage. I have yet to shed one tear about this, however, which is pretty incredible I think, but that's just how I roll.

After I found out, I called my closest friends, took a hot shower, and then drove around aimlessly until someone met up with me for food. I had just come back from a run when I found out, so I was gross and hungry, and I am glad that I did eat something because I think I would have felt way worse if I didn't.

Amazingly, I slept decently last night, though I of course dreamt about failing and woke up to remember it was really true. I called my friend who failed in another state and commiserated a little bit and then headed into work, even though when I first woke up I did not want to go in at all. I am a law clerk for a judge, so coming to work was not the most fun I've ever had but also was not the worst thing ever. I figured that the Judge would be most impressed if someone failed but still had the guts to come into work and fess up to all of their friends, co-workers, other law clerks, attorneys AND judges, and then be so impressed with my performance that he forgot that I "didn't pass." I don't know if he forgot, but he was nice as can be about the whole thing and gave me some words of encouragement without dwelling on it, so I didn't feel like a total loser.

Tonight we have a judicial reception to go to, which is like the Lion's Den of all Lion's Dens if you fail the bar THAT DAY to have to walk into, but I don't think it will be all that bad because there are other clerks going who I am friends with so I am sure they will keep me relatively entertained. I can have a drink or two and then cut out because I am sure my Judge will not want to stay late, so maybe I'll make it home in time for LOST.

The worst thing about failing is knowing you have to take and pass the exam again in order to actually practice AFTER you've already done the above mentioned things and are working. But the best thing is finding out who still loves you and supports you when you feel like your life has no meaning and all your hard work is for naught and that you are now dumber than the idiot they tell you about in BarBri who still passes the bar. I just hope they continue to stick by me as I gear up to take it all over again....