Counting down to...

Counting down to...

This sucks.

I haven't posted for the last three weeks or so because I got a glimpse at a nice, stress free life. I started working out again and started trying to attend to all the things in my life I've neglected because of the bar. Unfortunately, any real progress I've made has been hindered by the undercurrent in the back of my head of bar exam waiting. Everything in my life is in total limbo- where I'm working next year, if I passed the bar, where I'm living etc... and its hard to plan and organize and take steps without knowing. I stopped sending out resumes because I felt like I'd be giving potential employers a reason to reject me just because it does not say "admitted" on my resume. I actually had a couple of interviews and I heard back from one place today, who said they were interested but wanted to know "have you been admitted yet? it doesn't say on your resume and we forgot to ask.... oh ok. well let us know as soon as you find out and also when you actually do get admitted. there is that whole background check they have to do also, but we have to know soon because we are moving forward with admitted candidates."

I also had to decide whether to sign up for a second bar exam this week. I kind of was all over the board on it. One day I decided that it was a good idea, the next I decided I didn't care, the next I didn't think I should because if I didn't pass the first one it would just be a waste of money, but then again if I do pass I might be flying so high that I will be pissed if I missed the chance just to sign up because I did not know about the first one. Everyone I asked also had various opinions on it that made me more confused. Some of my peers couldn't understand why I wouldn't take it, some of my non-peers but colleagues said that they didn't think I needed to take it (probably because they thought I'd fail again) I needed a final arbiter, so I finally asked the Judge, who told me I might as well sign up and this way I can take it if I really want. He decides things everyday, so I figured I might as well go with him on this.

Personally, I also kind of cleaned house these last couple of months with relationships that were not working for me. I finally felt free enough to take action, but some of the changes are kind of drastic and now as results day gets closer I wonder if it was smart to make that kind of decision. I think it was, but I am starting to get that dread again like I did in October/Nov. mainly because I now know how it feels to fail once, but I have no idea what it would be like the second time around. I seriously hope that doesn't happen.

I am writing this log mainly to keep my sanity and also because I hope one day to share it with other twenty something JD grads who are struggling to find their way after failing the bar and want to understand what it actually feels like and how people react to you when your worst professional fear comes true. But I do have a couple of friends who may not have been my friends before but now are who are in the same boat- and basically are going through the same thing in terms of job searching/relationships/bar stress, and I have to say, we feel its nicer to know that others are going through the same thing as well!

I am glad also that I signed up for the bar this summer, and actually after having sat through it twice, I don't really dread it or studying. I think the best time actually to retake it or take another bar is after doing it in Feb. and then July because the time between studying for the Feb. bar and studying for July is so short that you really aren't starting from scratch and so its more manageable to approach. You don't really forget much because it is just too recent- where as in winter studying for Feb, the material is already about 6 months old. I don't think I can offer too many tips other than that one- even though more people take it in July, if you just took it in February, its not that bad to think about studying.

I'm trying to approach it pragmatically- the bar exam isn't the end all be all, and its not insurmountable- you just have to see it as a finaly obstacle in becoming an attorney. I see attorneys every day in court- good ones and bad ones, but all of them have that same knowledge of being admitted and part of a club that must feel good after working so long and hard.. I really hope that they let me in soon :)