Depression

So, things are at a standstill. Waiting for bar results the second time around is, I think, worse than the first, mainly because planning for the future is next to impossible. The first time around, everyone just assumes you will pass the bar, so they are more willing to talk to you about jobs etc. The second time around, every firm you apply to knows you did NOT pass the first time around and probably rejects you out of hand just for that reason.

I just wish I knew one way or the other, which bar exam I am going to take in July, if any. I won't find out until mid-May and either way you slice it, its tough to make plans knowing you will probably have to study AGAIN for the bar and your life will suck once again. I am thinking of postponing a second state until Februrary just because fewer people take it then, the weather sucks and it is much easier to study then, but that might foreclose some job prospects I might have otherwise. Of course, its not like I'd be admitted until November anyway, and then it won't matter if I took NY or not for whatever job I have then because I will have to have taken some job by then. The only thing I can really tell employers is that I took another bar another time.

Right now, I am leaning towards not taking it, because I am trying to enjoy life again and have a summer for the first time in three years that isn't marred by law school or studying. I really liked studying in February anyway- it was much easier to concentrate and I feel like my chances of passing will be better then. Plus nothing happens between Jan. and Feb. anyway. I just can't wait to find out what I am going to be doing- although nothing is even as appealing as it once was.

I guess that is what being idle does to you.... and until then I will just sit and wait and wait and wait some more.

The Wait

This is I think the hardest part. The wait for the results. Right after the bar, you feel elated, happy that it is over, that you conquered something and completed a major hurdle. Yet now, as the days pass and real life resurfaces, it becomes harder to ignore a lot of facts.

First, I was elated and in a post-bar, must be active kind of mode, and I sent out a bunch of resumes. But now as I wait, I realize that because my resume does not a have an "Admitted, December 2005" portion, I am not getting perhaps as many calls as I'd hoped. The phone that I thought would be ringing off the hook remains silent.

The second reality is that of my debt. I have a lot of it, and pretty soon, I have to start paying it back. How on earth will I do that?

I know Rome wasn't built in a day, Nixon wasn't elected President the first time around, and I may not have passed the bar on the initial try, but as I wait to find out, and really, wait to move on with my life- I can't help but feel that anvil lowering back onto my shoulders- the one that landed as soon as I found out I failed and hovers, and descends, ever so slightly as we get closer and closer to the day.

I guess it also did not help that on the cover of the law journal today was an article about how 28% more people have failed the bar since 1995, and how much harder it usually is for people the second time around.

I often lose sight of how far I have come- that I have actually graduated from law school, and a pretty good one at that, and that I have a great clerkship and a amazing judge to learn from and a lot of options that maybe don't include the practice of law if things don't work out. But practice is my goal- and I know I can be good at it as long as I first pass that bar.

T-Minus 9 Weeks

So I estimate that it will take about 10 weeks to find out the results of the bar, and after this week, I have about 9 left. It was strange to not have to study this week. I'd come home each day thinking I still had SOOO Much to do, because I did have work, errands, chores, a job interview etc.. that I needed to get done, but really, I did not have anything to do that took as much time as studying did. Last night I even took a two hour bath and read, Marley and Me, which is my first book post bar study. (It's very good) I am starting to remember what it's like to be a human again.

Everyone keeps asking me how I think I did this time. I find this to be an odd question- how exactly do I think I did? I mean, I felt more prepared. I felt like I executed the test better than I did the first time. Does this mean I passed? Who the f--k knows. I certainly hope so.

I enter this phase with guarded optimism. Really, there is no optimism because I know I have to do it again either way- if I don't pass I will probably take it again, and if I do pass, I'll probably take another state since I will just have recently studied for the Feb. Test. That is the advantage of taking it in Feb- picking up an extra state in July is not as daunting because everything is slightly fresh. But many more people take it in July- so who really knows how you will do. But by that time, I'll have sat for 3 total bar exams, 2 MBE's, and 1 MPT, so I will be semi-seasoned.

I also had my first job interview, and the interviewer did not ask about the bar at all, even though he knew ahead of time what my status was- but I was ready to confront it, just like I did the bar exam. I am planning on acting as if I passed and confronting what happens later on if I don't.