Reinventing the Wheel

Postscript:

So, It's been a week and a half since I passed, and I am still relatively floating around on cloud 9. I got my chutzpah back, or something. I still have no job, but I don't care. I'll stand on the street being a homeless lawyer, representing all my brethren homeless people.

But the best thing to report is that I don't know any, not a single one, of repeat bar takers that failed again. Every person I know that failed the first time, passed the second time around. And I know quite a few people who failed. Pretty interesting, no? I don't know how that worked out, but every single person passed. I am so thrilled!

In other news, I am studying again. Since I failed two bar exams the first time around, I figured I'd give both another shot, just in different sittings to increase my chances of passing. The first time, this strategy worked, so I am hoping for lightning to strike twice.

Studying is overall a boring, monotonous and mundane thing, as I've said NUMEROUS times. But now that I am studying for the third time for the MBE, I have found an interesting (for incredibly anal, study nerds like me) thing. I just finished studying for the Feb. bar approximately 3 months ago. This is a good thing because a lot of the stuff is still fresh in my mind.

Now here is the weird thing: because I am incredibly anal, I wrote all my answers to the practice MBE questions on pieces of paper and kept them from the last time I studied. I just did my first set of questions, and compared them (because i am crazy) and I notice two things- 1) I am doing better than the last time I did these questions and 2) in an interesting brain study, out of the ones I got wrong (which are fewer this time) HALF of them I ALSO got wrong the last time. More succinctly, I am getting the some of the SAME questions wrong, despite having studied this stuff upside down and inside out the last time around and making note of the ones I got wrong last time so as not to get them wrong on the real test.

Weird, huh?

And....

PASSED

I screamed. I jumped. I made my sister check it twice to make sure I read it right. The # below and above were either FAILED or HELD (what the hell does that mean???) so I had to double take to make sure mine was right.

I called my parents who also screamed. I called my friends. I screamed some more. I can't stop yelling, "I PASSED THE BAR!"

Then I went for a run, because ironically most of my friends are taking ICLE right now (the continunation of law school) and are in class. The first half of the run I felt like Rocky, running and conquering and the second half I cried the whole way. I just kept thinking about everyone who helped me along the way and I couldn't even see.

I just can't believe it. I think it is a dream. Pinch me.

Avoidance

The results are up, but I can't bring myself to check them. Everytime I think I've convinced myself to do it, I don't have the actual courage to do it. I have talked myself up and then i back down. I don't know how on earth I even did it the first time.

Sigh Sigh Sigh Sigh. I need to look up being paralyzed by fear.

Pass or No Pass?

So, it's the night before the bar exam results come out again, and I'm watching Deal or No Deal to pass the time. Kind of an ironic choice, I think. Each choice represents more and more and more chance to either win big or lose a lot. But if you really think about Deal or No Deal- you've already won if you made it onto the show. You are going to leave with money in your pocket that you didn't have before you got there- by doing little more than the guts to be on National TV biting your nails, pacing back and forth, feeling the rushs and lows of winning and losing with each case.

As the day gets closer to finding out, I think I've lost some perspective and I get caught up in the passing and not passing. Already, I've lost once and I think irrationally that luck is against me. I forget all the hard work I put in to study, how close I came last time to passing, and how chances are that all my hard work finally paid off.

But I am reminded that I'm just like any contestant appearing on Deal or No Deal. Either way, I've already graduated from law school. I hold a Bachelor's and Doctorate level degree that no one can take away from me. Passing the bar and practicing law is the logical next step- but it is not necessarily the happiest road, the easiest road, or the most lucrative road there is for me to take with my educational background and experience. When I started law school, one of my Professors gave a speech on the first day saying that only approximately 3% of people even make it to a doctoral level or graduate program in this country. So already, I've won. I beat the odds. Neither of my parents have their doctorates. No one else in my immediate family ever did. I am a first generation American on my dad's side, and 3rd on my mom's side. Both my parents grew up pretty poor with no real chance for educational advancement and both worked hard to give my sister and I a chance at a better life. I live in a great city, wondering which luxury apartment I can afford next year. I have a lot of debt, but I also have an IRA and a mutual fund that I started when I graduated from college.

I have a lot going for me.

So when I'm scrolling down the screen, wondering if i've passed or not, I guess I can say to myself, it doesn't really matter. I already am a happy person. I already accomplished my goal. Before I started law school all I wanted to do was clerk for a judge, and I'm doing it.
Passing is just icing on the cake.

Still, I hope that the stars align and I am ready.