Jealousy rears her ugly head

Today is the saddest I have felt since failing. I have been ok, I think overall, but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just did not feel right all day. It doesn't help that my roommate didn't do the dishes (again) last night, I got an invite to the swearing in ceremony at my law school, I found out Sallie Mae still hasn't deferred my loans, I almost got into an accident this morning and then traffic was terrible and i didn't get a parking spot, the judge was in a weird mood all day, and I listened to incredibly depressing cases all day long. Oh and I started studying today.

Tomorrow is the swearing in and it makes me sad that I can't get sworn in yet. I worked just as hard as everyone else, I really and truly did, and I can't get recognized for that effort. Instead I'm being pitied by all sorts of people who "can't believe its me" that failed and I have to face the hurdle that I have to take and pass this test again. It shakes my confidence because it makes me think that others think I'm not that smart because I couldn't pass. I've never not passed anything in my life. I've never really and truly failed a class. I've always relied on my successes in the school and my career to be the focus of my life and now I don't have that. I'm single, which normally doesn't bother me, but I don't have anyone to share this experience with me. I don't have kids to distract me, or other problems to deal with besides my own pathetic 27 year old self. When I graduated from law school, I told myself, well at least I have my law degree, and at least I'll pass the bar. And now I haven't passed the bar, I have no job after this year, and no real prospects.

And I feel guilty for feeling jealous and wanting all that stuff.