Guilt

I have tremendous guilt leaving work for almost three weeks, and it compounds as each day brings me more tasks at work. I know things will go on without me, but I get nervous at the thought of not being there.

I think I will be more upset if I didn't take time off and then don't pass again.

Doctrine of Waste

So as I study interminably, well, not quite interminably, but as I plug on and on, I wonder a couple of things:

1) is it possible that I am studying too much, even for the second time around?

2) if the answer to #1 is 'yes', then is that going to be overkill and burn me out when the exam actually comes?

I don't think so, because I am taking off of work starting next week, and I could use a vacation from work anyway, so I think once work is not taking up so much of my energy, I will feel a lot less stressed about studying. But because I have been so steady at the studying, I don't feel so super stressed, more just like I hope it all gets done in the next three or so weeks.

Tired

So, its basically T-minus 3 weeks and change until the bar. That to me is no time at all, but then when I hear dates it seems like forever away. I am still tired- I feel like I am crawling at a snail's pace to cover 7 subjects that last summer did NOT take me half the time to cover. I know I am making progress, I just hope to cement everything in time.

Plus, I HAVE TO PASS THIS TIME. I just have to. That's it. I am tired of the embarrassment of not having passed, of not being certified, of having to wait to look for jobs because I didn't pass. Its bleak, and its scary as hell. My roommate got an offer today at our friend's firm, which is great and wonderful for her. I just feel sad that I am so far behind in the job process.

I know I need to stay positive and stay focused. I just do. Things are not so bad. I just need to crack down on myself and keep myself in line with what I want to accomplish and not freak out.

I just hope I remember what I've studied. I think I will, but I just don't know.

I also have TREMENDOUS guilt for leaving work for three weeks to take the test, but it has to be done. I just don't have the luxury to not do it.

I will pass and I will be fine.

I think starting tomorrow I am going to start sticking notecards around my room with various tips and elements of things. I think that makes good sense :)

It is what it is

I know the judge says, "It is what it is" when things go wrong, and I know my life could be a lot worse than it is even now, when its at its bleakest, but it sure feels like its the worst it could be.

Trouble

And I am having trouble with Con Law, which isn't helping my progress- then again perhaps its because I've been distracted all week with this stuff.

Worst Week Ever

I know somewhere there is a TV show, "Best Week Ever", well this goes down as the "Worst Week Ever" for me.
Some lowlights:

1) got into a fight with my best friend
2) got into a fight with my ex
3) unwittingly bounced 3 checks by clicking the wrong account when trying to transfer money into my checking account.
4) Sprint messed up my phone bill and tried to take money before its actually due.
5) Got a parking ticket even though I was legally parked.

So pretty much everything that could go wrong in my meaningless, boring, study filled life did. The fact that the bar is in less than a month is not helping matters either.

My life stands in a torrent of disarray:
1) I am not certified in NJ
2) I have no job and no prospects
3) I have loan payments to make and I make less than a slave wage when you deduct all of those payments

I am screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed screwed.

Nerves

Ok, today I am nervous. Probably because its about a month away from the test, and while I have felt pretty good studying so far, I have that little voice in the back of my head that kind of freaks me out that says- what if I don't pass?

February bar passage rates are statistically lower than July (i know because I just checked this out on the NCBEX website) and the passage rate for repeat takers is MUCH lower. Now just from talking to other people, I know this is because most of the people who retake the bar don't have enough time to study again, or just don't study, and that is why they don't pass. I like to think of myself as the "cream of the failed crop" someone who should have passed last time and didn't, and thus should be at the top of the heap in non-illustrious group of failures. But what if i'm not? What if people like me are the ones that always fall just shy and never quite reach the pass rate? What if that is me? I just spent some time trying to calculate the actual percentage rate of unscaled passers, and I think I am scoring right on that range and mostly above, but what if i'm not?

Besides being nervous about the bar, I'm nervous about finding a job. Studying has made me put off job seeking, and I hope that there will be jobs for me once I emerge from the study bar bubble. I keep saying that it won't matter if I don't pass the bar anyway, so studying should be my first priority, but its not all that easy.

Plus, in terms of taking time off, I am going to take about 3 weeks, but the third week is mainly reserved for the actual test, so its just two full weeks of studying and I am hoping that is enough. It should be, it was for my friend who did the same last year, but it still just makes me nervous.

Maybe all of these things are true, or maybe i've just had too much coffee today....

Just Say No

Studying for the bar for the second time around, really requires two main things:

1) the ability to focus and concentrate very hard while still being able to keep your mind open to figuring out why you didn't pass the first time.

2) the ability to say no to everyone, including your family, friends, and work, in order to have enough time in which to complete #1.

The first thing is harder than it seems, I think, because most budding lawyers are argumentative by nature who dig in their heels and stand their ground when they have an argument to make. Sometimes this is a character trait that hurts people like me in academic endeavors like the bar exam, because I was so focused on what I thought the RIGHT way to study was, I wasn't really studying the RIGHT way for me. I couldn't have thought, last summer, that the way I was approaching this task was wrong because I almost felt a competition with other bar exam takers in proving, "well my way will be the right way" . Now that I know the way I studied was actually not the right way, this was a pretty dumb, but reflexive response to the task at hand.

2) Now that I know the above, I have dedicated myself to reprogramming the way I approach this test and I hope to have done the best job, but I keep trying to remind myself not to get too locked into a path of studying so as not to make the same mistake again. But the point is that in order to do this, I have to say no to everyone I know, in order to get the job done. This is harder and easier than task number one, because my reflexive response is to say that I have time for it all, and my reprogrammed response is, "No, stop calling me. Mom, sorry I haven't talked to you in weeks. No Judge, I can't take less time off to work on that motion. No, I can't be in your wedding or go to that reunion."

Hopefully, sticking to both prongs of the plan will keep me in the PASS range!

Study Fiending

So it has been a few days since I wrote- because now I am studying all the time. Studying is tough to do when you are working, but work actually becomes a nice "study break" if you catch my drift. So far I've conquered Evidence and am almost done with Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure. I have to say, I really like the Barbri MBE questions because their answers really do work for me and help me learn the material before I move onto the PMBR questions. I've also started doing the PMBR questions in 20 block segments which also helps me because it makes it less mundane and helps keep me learning so I don't forget or keep messing up the same things in 10 questions.

I really don't mind studying. It:

A) saves me money because I don't have any and otherwise would be out spending money I don't have
B) gives me something mentally challenging to do so it's good for keeping my brain active
C) gives me a tangible goal to accomplish
D) helps keep me on a schedule.

Also, I am not working out all the time or anything like I did the first time, and I think that helps keep me focused on the task I have now. I think that working out is important if you have no other reason to take a break- but if you are working all day, working out is not a luxury you can afford to take because you've already had your "break". I just cut back on calories and eat really healthy and I think I'm actually losing weight. I also make sure I eat real meals and then not snack mainly because it wastes time, and that helps me keep my weight under control also.

And I make sure to get enough sleep, or take power naps if I don't, and that is REALLY important.

Alright, enough break, more work!

Damn

Today I worked for my first full day while studying at night. I also got a little done during the day, but I think its going to take some getting used to studying whilst working. That's ok, though. I'll get it done.

Studying is actually kind of a comforting routine to visit for a brief respite. It reminds me of being in law school, being tired, always thinking I could be doing something to better my future instead of doing fun things, dreaming of the future without really taking too many steps toward it that required any creativity or initiative of my own. It was nice to be in that bubble, and now that I am in the real world, I have to answer all these scary questions again that I went to law school in an effort to "figure out" (read avoid).

At least studying gives me a concrete task to feel good about accomplishing . Even if I am tired as all hell at the end of the day.