Jealousy rears her ugly head

Today is the saddest I have felt since failing. I have been ok, I think overall, but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just did not feel right all day. It doesn't help that my roommate didn't do the dishes (again) last night, I got an invite to the swearing in ceremony at my law school, I found out Sallie Mae still hasn't deferred my loans, I almost got into an accident this morning and then traffic was terrible and i didn't get a parking spot, the judge was in a weird mood all day, and I listened to incredibly depressing cases all day long. Oh and I started studying today.

Tomorrow is the swearing in and it makes me sad that I can't get sworn in yet. I worked just as hard as everyone else, I really and truly did, and I can't get recognized for that effort. Instead I'm being pitied by all sorts of people who "can't believe its me" that failed and I have to face the hurdle that I have to take and pass this test again. It shakes my confidence because it makes me think that others think I'm not that smart because I couldn't pass. I've never not passed anything in my life. I've never really and truly failed a class. I've always relied on my successes in the school and my career to be the focus of my life and now I don't have that. I'm single, which normally doesn't bother me, but I don't have anyone to share this experience with me. I don't have kids to distract me, or other problems to deal with besides my own pathetic 27 year old self. When I graduated from law school, I told myself, well at least I have my law degree, and at least I'll pass the bar. And now I haven't passed the bar, I have no job after this year, and no real prospects.

And I feel guilty for feeling jealous and wanting all that stuff.

Even my hairdresser knows I failed the bar

I go to get my haircut today, and my hairdresser, who is my age and knows a lot of the same people I know from our town and the surrounding area, immediately asks me, "So, how'd it go?" Dumbfounded over what this ancillary person in my life, who I hadn't seen since August, could possibly be asking me, I honestly had no idea what she was talking about. "Huh?" "The bar? You got your results back right? One of my clients said that all the rest of my law student clients got their results back." When I told her I didn't pass, she was pretty dumbfounded but did the whole, "Oh, tons of people take it 3 or 4 times."

I wonder what people say to the people who are on their 4th time say? I guess those people who aren't smart enough to pass are smart enough not to tell people they are taking it!

One final note- I came home on Wed. before Thanksgiving to flowers at my door from my old college roommate that said, "Someone had to throw the curve in February! You'll get them next time." And I sincerely appreciated it :)

More later- I am enjoying my final nights before plunging back into the world of the MBE again.

No good deed goes punished

A couple of weeks ago, I sent one of my friends flowers- someone who helped me a lot while studying for the bar and who was there for me through the ups/downs and madness of bar studying. This person even called me every morning and night of the bar to keep me calm and make sure I did not oversleep. So two days before the results came out, I ordered thank you flowers hoping they would be coincide with good news.

Well, that didn't work out. But today I came home to flowers in front of my door from a different friend- my old roommate- for not passing. And I got some last weekend from a different friend. Is there a pay it forward for flowers? I rest my case.

I'm pretty sure no one is reading this blog...

But that is ok. This mainly helps me with coping, which is the most important thing right now.

Before I got my results, I started running- I'd never before run in my life. I was/am training for a race in April, and I hope to eventually get there. It just that the wind seems to be taken from my sails. I had a stomachache last night and stayed home from work today. I had a date tonight, which I canceled because I just didn't feel mentally up for it and I didn't want the person to meet me for the first time in such a sub-par state. Even my friends don't really want to hear me complain, because really there is nothing to say. I mostly wander around aimlessly, trying to think of a plan of action for the future. The worst part is that I have to once again put my life on hold for two months, but if I don't, I won't have much of a life in the future anyway.

I'm being dramatic. Maybe its hormonal? At least I am keeping busy with tasks and books etc... I'll get it together.

The Anger Stage

When a person experiences a significant loss or tragedy of some kind in their life, they typically will go through the various stages of loss. This website, http://www.lifeworktransitions.com/exercises/stgesloss.html
posts an article entitled "When Smart People Fail, Rebuilding Yourself for Success" and lists the stages as follows:

1. Shock
2. Fear
3. Anger and blame
4. Shame
5. Despair

Now, I think I should be able to apply these stages to my current situation, since I consider myself to be a smart person who failed. But really, I think for those of us unfortunate souls who fail the bar examination, or maybe the med school boards, this must be slightly altered. I, for example, went through the shock and fear stages almost simultaenously- well first shock and then a little bit of fear, all in the night I found out the results. Actually, I don't think shock is quite accurate because I think most people who sit for the bar kind of expect, even a little portion of themselves expect, that they might fail, even if they are confident after they leave the exam. Plus, you experience I think most of the fear stage in the weeks leading up to receiving the results. But even though I prepared myself to fail- not because I thought I didn't study enough, but because I knew I was bad at taking law school tests- It still shocked me to see FAILED next to my anonymous candidate number.

After that shock, I went through the "What am I going to do now?" phase, even though I am clerking and have a job for at least a year, I still freaked out about what my career would look like after the clerkship ended. I think I might have thought for a little while that I should never practice law and that it wasn't for me since I couldn't pass the test.

I guess now I'm in the "Anger and blame" stage, though I think I am just angry at myself, but I can't quite figure out why, and I am angry that this happened to me. I have no one to blame really. Nothing happened during studying or the test itself for me to say, "This is really why I failed, not because I did anything." I had perfect testing conditions, well almost perfect.

I am quite angry today. We'll see how the next stages progress. I'll keep you posted.

Taking Pride in Failing

Overall, since I got the news, I've been pretty o.k. with failing the bar. I think I posted this earlier, but I wanted to be proud of how I handled the failing since I couldn't (yet) be proud of passing, and it has helped thus far to have that mindset.

Ironically, I found out yesterday that one of my best friends emailed my other best friend to talk about how "even keeled" I've been with the whole situation. She thinks I'm taking it "too well" and that is making her worry even more about me. My other good friend (who passed) told me she couldn't believe how poised and stoic I've been, and if it had been her she would not have made it. And I've heard of other friends, who failed this time around who won't even speak to their significant others, let alone friends, because they are so miserable.

I have been so proud of myself in viewing this as an obstacle and not a failure. But today, I finally felt the sadness when I saw the list of names posted on both states and figured out that many of the people I graduated with passed. It also hurt to figure out that I missed it by such a small margin. I know now what I have to do to pass -improve my MBE score- but a little piece of me regrets that I couldn't do it the first time around like everyone else. And everyone else getting sworn in by their judges or at the swearing in ceremonies and not me.

I know, poor me. But at least my two best friends finally got a little tear out of me....

Failing Again

So I did not pass the NY exam either. Not unexpected and I am glad now to be done with the waiting more than I am upset that the results were not good.

The Judge already told me he thinks he located a tutor for me and said I could study as much as I need to here at work. The Sarge brought me in a Hershey's and a KitKat Bar. Things are looking up :)

I am wondering if anyone out there has definite feedback or info on good tutors for the bar, or the best programs etc. I just don't think BarBri cuts the mustard or PMBR either, for that matter. I have to figure out what my problem was, but I think I also need more personalized instruction.

I am feeling good today, and thinking I will one day pass- even if it takes a loong, loong time. Now I have to go to lunch and celebrate with all the people that did pass :)

T-Minus 19

The NY Bar Exam results will be posted in about 19 minutes. This is odd, I think, because the NJ results were posted the day before they were "supposed" to be up, but such are the doings of evil bar examiners.

Anyway, last night the judicial reception was fun, mostly because we didn't really talk to anyone but each other and drink a lot, so it was a good time. One fellow clerk who obviously heard about my predicament gave me the "Heeeeeyyyy" in the "I know you didn't pass the bar and I did but I want you to know I feel for you and can't believe this happened to you" kind of way. I acted as if I had no idea what she was trying to convey and just asked if she liked the food. My Judge was nice, but mostly hung out with other attorneys, I think in an effort to keep them occupied enough to not ask me about the Bar.

I have been thinking, and this is going to seem really self-aggrandizing, but I need something to get me through the days. I think of the people I know who failed, we all are the best kinds of people to fail because we all took it really well, can handle it, and decide how to proceed from there. Many of my friends who passed are the kinds of people who would throw themselves into weeklong benders, scream obscenities at their fellow office mates and other attorneys who passed, and find other ways to have people think "Poor you." I guess that saying is right, God only gives you what you can handle, and for me, I have to say I am proud of the way I handled failure even if I can't be proud of passing.

The Day After Yesterday

So I failed the bar. Well, actually I failed one bar exam and am waiting for another one to come in, but I live and work in the state that I failed in already, so this one counted the most. I googled around looking for support from likeminded bar failures like myself, but didn't find much, so I thought I would create a blog for others who have failed the bar, or fear failing the bar, or fear failing the bar a second time (like me).

Actually, my first thought is that waiting for bar results is much worse than actually failing, or "not passing" as I like to call it. The waiting is awful once you know what day the results are going to be posted, or have an "approximate day" of posting, which is the most evil trick the bar examiners could ever pull. You think you know, but you have no idea when they are actually going to post in certain states, so people incessantly check for days up to the "drop dead" date waiting to be overcome with emotion everytime they refresh the site.

When I checked, I honestly was shocked. I double and triple checked the number to make sure it was right. I still kind of hold out hope that when I get my mailed score, its wrong and that I actually passed :) but I know I am just in the denial stage. I have yet to shed one tear about this, however, which is pretty incredible I think, but that's just how I roll.

After I found out, I called my closest friends, took a hot shower, and then drove around aimlessly until someone met up with me for food. I had just come back from a run when I found out, so I was gross and hungry, and I am glad that I did eat something because I think I would have felt way worse if I didn't.

Amazingly, I slept decently last night, though I of course dreamt about failing and woke up to remember it was really true. I called my friend who failed in another state and commiserated a little bit and then headed into work, even though when I first woke up I did not want to go in at all. I am a law clerk for a judge, so coming to work was not the most fun I've ever had but also was not the worst thing ever. I figured that the Judge would be most impressed if someone failed but still had the guts to come into work and fess up to all of their friends, co-workers, other law clerks, attorneys AND judges, and then be so impressed with my performance that he forgot that I "didn't pass." I don't know if he forgot, but he was nice as can be about the whole thing and gave me some words of encouragement without dwelling on it, so I didn't feel like a total loser.

Tonight we have a judicial reception to go to, which is like the Lion's Den of all Lion's Dens if you fail the bar THAT DAY to have to walk into, but I don't think it will be all that bad because there are other clerks going who I am friends with so I am sure they will keep me relatively entertained. I can have a drink or two and then cut out because I am sure my Judge will not want to stay late, so maybe I'll make it home in time for LOST.

The worst thing about failing is knowing you have to take and pass the exam again in order to actually practice AFTER you've already done the above mentioned things and are working. But the best thing is finding out who still loves you and supports you when you feel like your life has no meaning and all your hard work is for naught and that you are now dumber than the idiot they tell you about in BarBri who still passes the bar. I just hope they continue to stick by me as I gear up to take it all over again....